“How many people work at your place these days?” I asked the chairman of the insignificantly-sized investment company Kermitted Asset Management when we caught up over lunch the other day – something that is, we were very excited to learn, completely within the Covid-19 restrictions (Editor’s note: Ahem, at the time this was written). After all, as anyone eavesdropping on our conversations could attest, we never stop discussing business.
“Oh – about half of them,” chuckled the chairman, as he does every time I ask that question about one of his businesses. “You always says that when I ask that question about one of your businesses,” I said. “It’s a great line,” said the chairman, defensively. “No argument there,” I agreed. “Except that, this time, I’m wondering if it contains more than a grain of truth.”
“That sounds ominous,” said the chairman. “What are you getting at?” “Well, I’m assuming you still employ your usual core team,” I began. “Your granddaughter Nicky as chief operating officer, Will Knott as CIO, José-Fredo da Bigbadwolff heading up emerging markets, Mike Rolex covering any sales you do actually make and Adair as general dogsbody …”
“Hamster-body,” the chairman corrected me, looking around nervously. “He’d be terrible offended to hear you use that word.” “I do apologise,” I said quickly, just as nervous. A terribly offended Adair is a terribly bitey Adair – and with a rodent the size of an obese Jack Russell, nobody wants that. “But did I miss anyone?” “Clearly we have our brand-new ESG team,” smiled the chairman.
“OK,” I sighed. “Let’s get it over with.” “Well, let me see,” began the chairman. “Obviously we have team leader Anne-Vera Mantle and her deputy Stuart Shipp …” “Obviously,” I winced. “And of course our two specialists Tim Pact and Clyde Mettrisk,” the chairman counted on his fingers. “Then there’s Paris Accord, Di Versity and Cher Holder-Activist … shall I go on?” “Good grief, please don’t,” I pleaded.
“As you wish,” the chairman nodded. “Still, as you can see, we are pretty well catered for on the staff front – human ones too, even. And not a single person furloughed either.” “Isn’t that because you laid off all your furloughed employees over the summer?” I asked. “And not a single person furloughed either,” the chairman repeated firmly.
“Hmmm,” I hmmmed. “Anyway, the point I wanted to raise is whether you feel you might be skimping on the client-facing side. I mean, when I rang your switchboard the other day, I couldn’t get through.” “Why on earth would you be calling us?” exclaimed the chairman. “I had an idea there might be a story in ESG fund groups who are better at preaching ESG than practising it themselves,” I replied.
“‘Do as I say, not as I do’ has served me very nicely as a management technique for however many decades and I see no reason to change it now,” huffed the chairman. “Anyway, this all seems jolly underhand of you – and, if you couldn’t get through, I’m sure it was just a blip. Why didn’t you try more than once? That would have been fair.” “I had you on speaker the whole of Wednesday afternoon,” I protested.
“Each time I was kept on hold for 20 minutes before the line cut out – and all I got for my trouble is ‘Rainbow Connection’ on my brain for the next three days. Aren’t you interested what your clients have to say to you? Actually, don’t answer that. But it does feel like good practice at least to pretend to care.” “Pretending to care is our speciality,” intoned the chairman solemnly.
“But you know how it is in these pandemicky times … everybody working from home and … and all that.” “Of course,” I nodded. “Picking up a phone is so tough outside an office environment. So … would I be right in guessing this is an area of the business you have cut back on this year?” “All right, all right,” said the chairman. “So I’ve been manning our switchboard by myself since April.
“When did you call? Wednesday? I’ll have you know I was solving a particularly taxing problem that afternoon. Why is it the computer never deals you a red eight when you need one?”
