“Do you believe the children are our future?” asked the chairman of the insignificantly-sized investment company Kermitted Asset Management when we caught up the other day for a social and appropriately distant lunch. Not waiting for my reply, he ploughed on: “I certainly do – and I also believe it is vital we teach them well and let them lead the way.”
“Oh good grief,” I sighed. “It’s been a long time since you went Full Whitney. Still, as ever, may I just urge caution about trying to show them all the beauty they possess inside and, please, please, please can we skip the part where you start informing everyone in the room that you decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadows?
“Hang on, though – that bit where you learn to depend on you is very much a third-bottle epiphany and we have barely grazed the first. What on earth is going on?” “First of all,” huffed the chairman, “I have no idea what a Full Whitney is. And second of all I object to the implication that what I am currently feeling is some sort of recurring phase.”
“So nothing at all like the late 1990s or the couple of years before the financial crisis,” I laughed. “Shush,” shushed the chairman. “What I am feeling hit me like a flash of light on the road to …” “Dagenham?” I suggested. “Damascus,” glared the chairman, “I really have had my eyes opened on ESG.” “I know,” I nodded. “The opportunities on offer have pretty much been our sole topic of conversation this entire year.”
“No – you don’t understand,” the chairman protested. “I know I might have been a bit, well, uncommitted in the past but I really do now believe TOWIE.” “You what?” I double-took. “Oh – ‘the only way is ESG’. Well, I’m afraid you’re by no means alone there. “No,” said the chairman, wearing an expression that on anyone else I might have taken for sincerity. “I really, really believe.”
Then, grabbing my arm in a way Matt Hancock almost certainly wouldn’t approve of, he continued: “There are some very naughty people out there. They launch responsible investment funds but” – here his voice dropped to an urgent whisper – “they don’t actually believe in it. Not like I do.” “It’s certainly becoming an interesting conundrum for the wonderful world of investment,” I said.
“I mean, we have asset managers tripping over themselves to assert how, deep down, they have always been responsible investors at heart – when every new ESG fund they launch or SRI role they create rather suggests the opposite. And that’s before you go back and take a look at their voting records even five years ago, which can often paint a very different picture – one very light on the colour green.
“Of course, there are a few true believers who can prove they were early to the party but I do worry how the rest of your mob can set themselves apart from the crowd – in fact, I reckon your Damascene conversion line is as convincing as a lot of the PR I see doing the rounds these days. Then again, I’d say there’s an argument you don’t need to be a true believer anyway.”
“Really?” said the chairman, looking interested. “How so?” “Well,” I replied. “For one thing, if your funds are allocating cash only to ESG-friendly enterprises, I can’t imagine ESG investors will be overly worried about the strength of your own personal beliefs. The end result is the same.” “Aah,” aahed the chairman. “Like young Boris and Brexit, you mean?”
“The thought never occurred,” I lied. “A second point might be the extent to which a less committed manager might be able to focus on pure investment cases – though I appreciate I may need to develop that angle when we have more space, sorry, time on our hands.” “Well, that would certainly be a lot easier on my nerves,” said the chairman, looking down at his hand and suddenly letting go of my arm. “And my pride.” “Oh come now,” I smiled. “Surely no matter what they take from you, they can’t … take away … your … dig … naa …. tayyyy.”
