Job title: Chief executive, Financial Conduct Authority
Job summary/Responsibilities: An exciting role has become available for the next top dog in UK finance with the only management role promising less job security than head coach at Chelsea FC.
Regulator of more than 70,000 businesses, including those pesky wealth and fund managers; many of whom will automatically assume you’re about as useful as a Volkswagen emissions test.
Will involve flexing disciplinary muscle. Our recent work has led to record fines for the banking industry, with those chaps at Barclays receiving a penalty of £284m for forex rigging.
Will have to make some unpopular decisions – was it really such a good idea to ditch our review into banking culture?
Actually, it’s a really good job. It’s just that nobody seems to want it.
Qualifications/Requirements: Some experience would be desirable, but honestly we’re getting less fussy by the day. Important to maintain a good working relationship with the Treasury, especially the Chancellor and his itchy trigger finger.
Must also have some experience dealing with the media, and preferably understand what the clever clogs Financial Times meant when it wrote your job is “loaded with the potential for gaffes and public opprobrium”… bring your own dictionary.
Salary and benefits: We’ll check the kitty. In July last year, it was revealed that our last permanent chief exec “the grey vampire” Mr Wheatley received annual remuneration of £701,000 including a £92k performance fee.
Within a week Mr Osborne had mumbled something about seeking “different leadership”, and Mr Wheatley was again looking at the situations vacant pages.
Immediate priorities:
- Take the flak from MPs for dropping a review into banking culture…
- … while also making bold statements about coming down hard on unruly bankers
- Explain why we think a third of wealth managers fall short of standards
- Get a coffee/saison in the diary with European regulators to discuss clearer guidelines on MiFid II
- Negotiate a good compensation package with the paymasters (just in case)
- George could do with a nice back rub
Long-term objectives:
- Build a very large bridge for the advice gap
- Give wealth managers reason to keep the faith by at least appearing to be lessening their burdensome regulatory workload
- Build the public’s trust in financial services, especially those naughty bankers
- Keep your job for more than five years (it’s a long shot, we know)
Please send CV and covering letter to Gideon Oliver Osborne Esq, 11 Downing Street, London, P4N1C
