“Do you think the FCA might be out to get me?” asked the chairman of the insignificantly-sized investment company Kermitted Asset Management when we caught up the other day. “That’s generally been a fair assumption for as long as I’ve known you,” I replied. “But why would you ask that now? Has anything changed?” “Their tone,” said the chairman with a shudder. “It’s become a lot more threatening.”
“Really?” I replied, not wholly convinced. “That doesn’t sound very FCA – not least because I’d heard they disbanded their paramilitary wing a decade or so back when they stopped being the FSA. Still, what form do these threats take?” “Graphic references to horrific acts of frog abuse,” came the reply. “Ah,” I nodded because, well, that’s not a line you hear every day.
“And these, um, graphic references … they arrive anonymously?” I asked. “I wish,” laughed the chairman hollowly. “Anonymous threats I can deal with. Anonymous threats I receive every day. Mostly from our investors. Sometime from former employees. Or from existing employees. Or …” “Horrific acts of frog abuse,” I interrupted because that list had the potential to go on a bit.
“Oh yes,” the chairman caught himself. “Not anonymous references but very specific ones in official speeches by FCA personnel. Last month, Sheldon Mills, the regulator’s executive director of consumers and competition, no less, built a whole speech on the philosophy that if you eat a live frog in the morning, then nothing worse will happen to you all day.”
“That was the entire point of his speech?” I said doubtfully. “There may have been some discussion of the implementation of Consumer Duty along the way,” conceded the chairman, waving a hand airily. “But it was littered with multiple references to frog abuse, such as ‘Many of you have eaten that frog. Or at least devoured a leg’ and ‘Once you have eaten the frog, it will be worth it’.
“At one point, he even chose to “spell out practical steps for eating that frog” – and while I should say that he ended his speech with an injunction to “embrace that frog” on the risk-adjusted basis it might just turn into a handsome prince, I think we can all agree that was way too little, way too late.” “Okayyyy,” I said slowly. “And, in your eyes, ‘that frog’ is a coded reference to Kermitted Asset Management?”
“There’s nothing coded about it,” huffed the chairman. “Can you think of any other financial services company so closely connected to a frog?” “I thought you were closely connected to a terrier-sized hamster,” I said. “Good grief,” exclaimed the chairman. “Adair is a living, breathing creature currently guarding my front door against unwelcome visitors.
“In contrast, the frog – any likeness of whom to other frogs living or not living is entirely coincidental, as my lawyers keep telling me to point out – is integral to our branding. And the regulator of Her Majesty’s financial services industry is now making speeches about devouring frogs. What conclusion can any rational observer draw from these facts other than that the FCA is out to get us?”
The chairman was becoming quite agitated so it seemed best to placate him. “Even if your theory did have some nodding acquaintance with reality,” I began, “what do you think prompted the FCA to begin their campaign of regulatory ranicidal rhetoric?” “Nice alliteration,” nodded the chairman before continuing: “I’ve been racking my brains and it’s not as if we’ve even launched any products recently – which is what normally sets them off.
“All I can think of is it must have something to do with the response to their consultation on the Sustainability Disclosure Requirement, which we submitted a few months back. Perhaps someone actually read what we had to say this time. I remember I did have some frightfully clever thoughts on greenwashing – especially a whole new defence based on ‘really good intentions’ – and I may have been a bit rude about whoever came up with that label of ‘sustainable improver’, which sounds like the final prize they dish out at a school sports day. And then …” “No, you’re right,” I interrupted. “The FCA is definitely out to get you.”
