“So what happened – did you get mugged by Old Macdonald and his farm animals?” I asked the chairman of the insignificantly-sized investment company … well, I believe it is now pronounced ‘Kermitted’ Asset Management, as we huddled under an umbrella for our first restaurant lunch in more than a year. “What on earth are you on about?” he frowned. “You know,” I laughed. “The missing ‘e’, ‘i’, ‘e’ …”
“I … oh,” the chairman winced. “Most amusing. So it’s just straight into the onslaught of thoughtless abuse we’ve suffered all week on ‘KRMTD’, is it?” “Oh, I’d like to think my abuse will be thoughtful,” I replied. “But that aside … yup, pretty much. First things first, though – can we take it as read you believe the new brand to be modern, dynamic and, most importantly, engaging for all of your client and customer channels?”
“That goes without saying,” the chairman nodded. “Although you missed the important acknowledgement that it builds on our heritage.” “What heritage?” I said, perhaps unkindly. “You only set up the business at the start of last year – and, even if that qualified as heritage, it’s a bit of stretch to describe downsizing your original number of letters as building on anything.”
“Oh come on,” sighed the chairman. “Let’s be realistic – we couldn’t go on the way we were. We may have been going barely five minutes, as you so forthrightly point out, but somehow we’ve already accumulated an unwieldy number of brand names.” “Ah yes,” I said. “There’s your retail operation …” “Kerm ‘N’ Get It,” the chairman added helpfully. “Your passives arm,” I continued. “Kerm To Papa,” nodded the chairman.
“And then there’s … actually, I’ve never been very clear on what Kerm A Chameleon is,” I said. “It can be whatever you want it to be just so long as you give us your money,” the chairman confirmed. “I see,” I said. “Well, I suppose your honesty is at least to be commended” “It did seem to fit with our whole ESG vibe,” the chairman nodded again. “But now it’s all got a bit out of hand – and apparently the punters find it confusing.”
“I can’t imagine why,” I said. “And I also can’t imagine why you felt unable simply to bring everything under the Kermitted Asset Management banner? It’s a perfectly good brand … I mean, it’s a perfectly adequate brand. And it’s not as if you were carrying huge amounts of historical, emotional and non-negotiable baggage from – oh, I don’t know – the merger of, say, Ted Funds and Kermit Assurance.”
“No,” replied the chairman slowly. “It is not as if that was happening in any way at all. That would be madness.” “All right then,” I said. “And then you top things off with that extraordinary brand video.” “Why, thank you very much,” smiled the chairman. “We were very pleased with it.” “I didn’t mean it as a … oh, never mind,” I replied. “And I did enjoy the chance to play corporate cliché bingo with all those worthy images.
“Am I right in thinking that – amid all that talk of innovation and inspiration, insights and ideas, sustainability and impact, progress and a better tomorrow – the video never actually says what the company does?” “Oh, the consultants told me that’s standard practice these days,” said the chairman. “It allows room for growth – doesn’t tie us down.”
“I dare say it also allows the consultants to build up a handy store of corporate videos for future clients from all industries with little more than a stock-image library and a self-help manual,” I said. “The consultants warned me there would by cynics,” sighed the chairman. “Very astute of them,” I said. “And I can’t imagine that level of insight comes cheap?”
“Not at all,” the chairman protested. “For a firm of their pedigree, Bright Crayons were surprisingly reasonable – largely as a result of my cunningly taking advantage of their ‘Buy one, get one free’ offer.” “What?” I asked. “Are you saying you might do another rebrand?” “Never say ‘never’, eh?” the chairman replied. “I mean, this new brand is great and everything but I’m not 100% … what’s the word?” “KRMTD?” I suggested.
