How has the coronavirus affected your day-to-day work?
Significantly. I have always liked to deal with people face-to-face as it is just so much easier to intimidate them. Doing everything by screen can be a little frustrating as I have noticed a tendency for both underlings and opposition to suffer a curious drop in internet coverage just as I am about to get my own way.
What has been your biggest contributor to, and biggest detractor from, performance since the coronavirus hit markets?
Three of my fund managers have been claiming to be ill for way longer than I’m led to believe the virus would lay them low. Interestingly, this has coincided with an upturn in the fortunes of each of their portfolios – a fact I am looking forward to addressing at their next salary review. As for the biggest detractor, it is the same as it has always been – having to report our performance numbers in the first place.
Do you have any behavioural mechanisms in place for navigating the market volatility?
Our proprietary system for tuning out market ‘noise’ – the monkey we have trained to throw darts at a copy of the FT – has been working overtime. Naturally I have considered training up more monkeys but they can be frightfully territorial and usually end up throwing darts at each other. I tell you – non-human resources is no joke.
What has surprised you most about markets during the coronavirus sell-off?
That, as the pandemic spread through Asia, we all sat merrily twiddling our thumbs in the belief this would barely touch portfolios. I say ‘we’ although, following a chat with a politician chum in the States back in February, I personally took the opportunity to offload all my travel and tourism shares while piling into certain health and tech stocks. On reflection, I probably should have mentioned this to my fund managers.
What are the key messages you want to hear from your holdings at the moment?
Speaking personally – and depending on the holding – either that they have discovered a vaccine for Covid-19 or better security for their videoconferencing software. As for the holdings in Kermitted’s portfolios, well, it would be nice to hear anything from them at the moment. They appear to have stopped returning our calls.
What feedback have you had from clients since the sell-off?
Clients, eh? They do so love their little grumbles! If they weren’t complaining about our performance following the pandemic, they’d only be complaining about our performance following something else.
How does this compare with other market sell-offs you have managed money through?
My granddaughter Nicky mentioned the sell-off had put her in mind of Tolstoy’s opener to Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” She’s not your average nine-year-old, as you can see, but she went on to suggest all bull markets are alike while all bear markets are subtly different, with investors running for the hills for a variety of reasons through history. Sooner or later the panic subsides and, she assures me, “This too will pass”. She’s usually right, bless her.
How do you find working remotely during volatile markets?
Aside from contacts faking dodgy internet connections at inconvenient moments, it has been a breeze. As I have mentioned before, a few years back I had the basement of my humble abode refurbished to withstand a nuclear blast and kitted out like a more modern version of the Bond villain’s HQ in Tomorrow Never Dies. So many screens – it’s very empowering.
What do you do for fun when you take a break from working at home?
I take ‘little’ Adair, my freakishly large hamster, for a walk – though, since he’s been working out a lot more during lockdown, it’s really the other way around.
What is your favourite snack when working from home?
Breakfast alcohol is nice. Any of the classics, really – Bloody Mary, Buck’s Fizz, Guinness, Bailey’s on your Rice Krispies … it’s important to ring the changes.
Do you have a ‘top tip’ to share on working remotely?
Wondering which spirit would go best with your red bush tea is a warning sign. But the answer is rum.
