SHAM: Why I’m thinking big, stale biscuits and tickle sticks

Putting an end to any speculation, I’d like to officially rule myself out of the running as the new head of the FCA.

SHAM: Why I’m thinking big, stale biscuits and tickle sticks

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While I’m at it, I’m not running for the Labour Party leadership either, nor President of the United States.

I declare that managing SHAM is the peak of my ambitions despite, in the current volatile market conditions, its value having diminished somewhat.

I’m not the only one. John-Chatfeild Roberts, has this week stepped down as chief investment officer at Jupiter to concentrate on his Merlin portfolios, while fund managers have generally been harder to contact in recent times as they batten down the hatches and get back to the day job.

Not that I wouldn’t be tempted by the top-job.

What would you do if you were FCA chief executive? A Travis Bickle-style clean-up of the City streets, perhaps? Not that I condone violence, of course.

Maybe Ken Dodd will lend us his tickling stick… string up the boisterous bankers and force them to memorise the whole FCA handbook… “You there, recite me section 2.6B, paragraph 17, clause 8 of COBS 4.5.13R or face another rendition of Nikky Nokky Noo.”

First thing I would do is ban any references to “thought leadership”, “touching base”, and “getting your ducks in a row”, while banning red trousers and velvet jackets from the square mile. Keep that attire for weekends in South Ken please, gents.

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